How God made jazz:

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FredProgGH
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How God made jazz:

Post by FredProgGH » Thu Jul 26, 2007 10:09 pm

From another forum. This is like Spinal tap- the musician's will get it more :D


"Noah, awaken and heed my words!"

And Noah didst tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a jazz band. For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets followed by Rock & Roll and Country/Western Music. They will all be jazz oblivious. This pleaseth me not and so we must invent jazz."

And Noah didst say, "Command me Lord."


And the Lord didst say, "First, thou must find me a leader."

And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy leader?"

And the Lord sayeth; "Fool, thou will be my contractor. Ask not why!"

And Noah didst bow his head, saying, "Yes my Lord. And what instrument will the leader play?"

And the lord said, "It matters little whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to schmooze, and to deal with clients, and to count the tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band just to be safe."

And Noah didst say, "And what else shall this leader do?"

And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread bad information and confusion amongst the sidemen and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments

"Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a soundman, to create feedback, and to invent new equalization."


And Noah didst shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are strange and mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a drummer. And three things above all must this drummer possess."


"First, this drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, but thou may not guess which, nor where 'one' now is."
"And second, he must be supremely discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead him to playing with Wedding Bands or for other high paying gigs, so that he secretly despiseth jazz."
"And third, he must always be convinced of his righteousness, in all things, including time, volume, tempo and feel, so that he argueth always with the leader and the bass player."


And Noah didst say, "Bass player?"

And the Lord didst say, "Yes, Bass player. He shall be bored.

That is All."


And Noah didst say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"

And the Lord did say, "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play substitute upon substitute, until no man may name the chord, and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out new gear of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah didst wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy wisdom!"

And the Lord didst wisely continue, "Next shall be the Guitar Player and he shall be loud, and he shall sing off key. Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his ears, which have been damaged by exposure to high sound pressure levels. For guitar players who read shall already being playing shows, and will be making the big shekels. And his uniform shall be the rattiest."

And the Lord didst say, "Next thou shall need Horns."

"First shall be Saxophones and Clarinets. And they shall either be Beboppers who play Bird quotes in every song, yea, even the ballad medley, or copiers of Johnny Dodds and Sidney Bechet. They shall get drunk and high on every break, chase but never catch women, and make long faces all night long, but especially when "Bill Bailey" is called."

"Next, shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything up an octave, and fail frequently. And of changes they shall know nothing."

"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a beeper that never beeps, as well as a day job, and he will be the first to be cut from the band."

And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

"Next, shall be the String Player. He will attach pickups to his violin that is more ancient even than myself, so that the instrument screecheth and causeth great pain. His job shall be to dress in foppish clothing with hair in a pony tail, to fake parts, and to complain about the volume and the intonation, and to impede the swing."

And Noah didst say, "What can be left, Lord?"

And the Lord didst say, Finally, find me the singers."

"And they shall be two, one male and one female."
"And the male shall be a strutting peacock, with girlie man hair, and he shall never have to wear the tuxedo, and also shall play the harmonica."

"The female shall ALWAYS sing the power ballads, and the novelty songs.
She shall sing backup for the male, and forget the words, and be late, and know nothing of keys or form."
And together, they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of equipment."
"And they shall be paid more shekels than the sidemen. Ask not why."


And the Lord continued: "Together they shall be melded into a dissonant band that plays mysterious polyrhythmic music called Jazz. It shall grow to immense proportions in New Orleans amongst sinners, brothels and honky tonks several millennia from now. But fear not within a 100 years from birth, it shall be played in Churches and other places of high learning. And it shall be called art. Go figureth."

And the lord didst command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have no work yet, a commitment must be secured from all.

And while you're at it, start looking for subs."


And Noah didst say, "Lord, thy will be done."
"The baloney is yodeling" -- [i]Jon Arbuckle[/i]

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Post by gh_ariana » Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:53 pm

:lol: Does somebody not like Jazz? :?:
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Post by FredProgGH » Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:53 pm

No, jazz is great! But every word of that is true :D
"The baloney is yodeling" -- [i]Jon Arbuckle[/i]

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Post by gh_ariana » Sat Jul 28, 2007 8:34 pm

Ah, well, I'm not disputing that it's *true*. :lol:

I like Swing myself, though Dixiland has a lot to recommend it too. I don't like Bee Bop or Fusion, or any of those new fangled varieties of Jazz that don't sound like music as much as a traffic accident involving instruments rather than vehicles. I have sort of old fashioned tastes where music is concerned, come to think of it. Can't imagine why I like GH. :shock::lol:
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Post by Losfer Words » Mon Jul 30, 2007 3:56 pm

Actually I prefer to think that after Sauron told Saruman "build me an army worth of Mordor" in the films he added "and could you conjure up a jazz quintet while you're at it?"

There's a reason Zappa entitled the album Jazz from Hell
(I would have called it music for migraine conjuring).
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Post by gh_ariana » Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:53 pm

Losfer Words wrote:Actually I prefer to think that after Sauron told Saruman "build me an army worth of Mordor" in the films he added "and could you conjure up a jazz quintet while you're at it?"

There's a reason Zappa entitled the album Jazz from Hell
(I would have called it music for migraine conjuring).
:lol: A surprising amount of music in various genres could qualify as "migraine conjuring."
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Post by FredProgGH » Mon Jul 30, 2007 11:23 pm

I'm with you on this one- swing, dixieland, I'm fine with most fusion and be-bop actually (fusion is just rock with sax solos) but the really outside 'Trane kind of stuff wears me out. Big Band is the best.
"The baloney is yodeling" -- [i]Jon Arbuckle[/i]

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Post by Sam Gamgee » Tue Jul 31, 2007 12:50 am

Thank you!! Going to a school in Chicago, when I say I don't like jazz, everyone gives me the most evil looks!

(Agreed on the big band though!)
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Post by gh_ariana » Tue Jul 31, 2007 1:19 pm

I love the clarinet. Sax isn't bad, it's just that clarinet is better. Not much clarinet in Rock, sad to say. But, lots in Big Band! 8) Benny Goodman and Arty Shaw are the best, but Jimmy Dorcy and Woody herman run a close second... Lots of good clarinet players during the Big Band era, actually. I used to be really into that, but have forgotten a lot. The ol' mind isn't the steel trap it used to be. *sigh*
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